Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
