as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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