Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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