Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
