Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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