$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
