I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dear god my vagina.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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