Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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