Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just threw up on my dentist
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
