I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
