Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
