Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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