He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
