I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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