Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
