Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
