did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
