I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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