why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
