When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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