i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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