so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
