When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
