These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
