I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
