Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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