All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
