I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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