He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
