I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
