she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
