my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
