I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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