the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
