Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
