i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
