Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
