well you can't waste a boner
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i drank out of a bidet.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
