I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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