Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
