somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
