Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
