If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
