Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
