where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
