life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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