Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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