Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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(206): View more from Washington

when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

Fav 62 956 5814
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(541): View more from Oregon

She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.

Fav 12 767 3013
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(586): View more from Michigan

I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

Fav 36 1068 3981
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(336): View more from North Carolina

i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self

Fav 24 4691 1406
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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

Fav 8 1784 4736
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(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

Fav 5 2314 1264
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(716): View more from New York

Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.

Fav 0 344 153
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(217): View more from Illinois

I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.

Fav 0 51 1
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