Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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