Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
